Cookson 001 - Going for Groceries

There are a number of things we do to help the Cookson Hills Christian Ministry. One of them is to go get groceries for the food store. About once a month Michelle and I take either a flat bed truck (shown) or a diesel pickup with a trailer to a near by city. We meet the Olkahoma food bank truck and bring a few tons of groceries back for the kids and the people who take care of them (take care of the kids, not the groceries).

When we lived in Texas I once did a project that I called "A Thousand Pounds of Meat". Simply put I got family and friends to donate meat. I also shopped the sales at Kroger in an effort to meet my goal of giving a thousand pounds of meat to the Texas food bank and various other benevolent food distribution sources. We reached our goal that year and now that we're at Cookson we get to participate in the other end of the distribution.

Not Messing With The Outcome (Not Much Anyway)

So I'm the Computer Programming teacher here at the Cookson Hills High School and the senior class is having this fund raiser.

The fundraiser consists of putting a pie in the face of three people.  The kids voted and chose 10 people that would be "nominated" to get a pie in the face.  There are voting jars around campus with nominee's names and votes are registered by putting money in one of the jars.  Coins in the jar are votes for a pie in the face.  Paper money in a jar is votes against.  At the end of the voting period there is an assembly and the top three get a pie in the face. 

I was one of the 10 "lucky" nominees.

Yesterday I looked at the daily tally and learned that I have moved into third place behind the principal and the band teacher.  It took me two, maybe three nanoseconds (if you aren't into computers you probably need to look that up) to decide I really didn't need to add "a pie in the face" to my collection of experiences.  Right behind that I decided I needed a strategy.

I found myself in a bit of a dilemma.  On the one hand  I really didn't want to alter the will of the kids.  On the other hand I really didn't want chocolate cream and graham cracker crust stuffed up my nose.

After a short deliberation between the me that didn't want to get hit in the face with the pie and the me that didn't want to dedicate my pension fund to overriding the will of the children, I came up with a solution.

Michelle and I went out to lunch and found a eatery that was across the street from a bank.  After we ordered our meal I scurried across the street (that's right, I didn't walk and I didn't run -- I scurried) and purchased enough change to make my arm unhappy as I strolled back to the restaurant (I know but let's face it, nobody scurries when they are carrying a big bag of rolled coins).

That afternoon I stood in the hall and passed out rolls of nickels with two conditions.  First, the nickels had to go into the voting jars and second, they could not go into mine.

There you have it.  Win, win.  The senior class gets some extra money for their mission trip to Costa Rica, and with any luck at all, my participation in tomorrow's assembly will be in the roll of photographer.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Stupid

There was this movie back in the olden days called "Love Story".  I'm not sure I ever saw the movie but I remember the tag line was "Love means never having to say you're sorry".

I always thought that line was stupid enough that is should earn a sign from Bill Engvall.  This line might have worked for some people, but only perfect people never need to say they are sorry.  This struck me as being so stupid that I've spent years saying "Love means never having to say you're stupid".

Let me explain what I believe love isn't, then I'll tell you what I think it is.

Here's what love isn't.  Love isn't that warm fuzzy "gee I feel so good I want to pop" feeling you get when you look into that special someone's eyes.  Love isn't warm sunny days, walks in the park, or romantic dinners.  Love isn't being twitterpated (for those of you who are thumper fans).

Since I had been around long enough to figure it out I've explained what love actually is like this (write this down, people.  It will be on the test).

Love is holding the bucket while someone pukes.

Love consists of things that cost you something, but you just don't care about the cost.  All that warm fuzzy, moon hitting your eye like a big pizza pie foolishness is self serving and self serving doesn't really fit into love.  Love is sacrafice.  Love is being kind and unselfish when that's not what someone would normally do.

I've seen love and this year, the worst year of my life, I've seen crazy lots of it.

I saw Shane lecture my wife about taking her MS medication and playing the cancer card to extract a promise to be more diligent.  Since the day of the promise Michelle hasn't missed a single dose. 

He could have had his focus on his disease or what mattered to him in the short time he had left, but instead he spent his time coaching and encouraging those around him.  He put his efforts in uplifting family members and the nursing staff. 

A month or two prior to his diagnosis Shane went to the doctor because he had chest pain.  The chest pain was being caused as cancerous tumors on his lever pressed against his lungs.  The doctor dropped the ball and didn't look close enough to find the real problem because she was busy.  That doctor called Shane as he was dying from the cancer she missed to apologize.  Shane told her not to sweat it and to focus on doing a better job on the next patient.

He let them cut out his eyes so a 68 year old man in Colorado and a 22 year old woman in Scottland can see now.  He never met them.  He donated his body to science so they could bring in doctors and students to cut it up and try to learn how to give the next young father a shot at more time with his wife and infant son.

My son was always good at keeping his focus on what mattered to him most.  I saw love define what mattered to him.  I knew it was love because the focus wasn't on him.

I saw Cassandra sit bed side and watch the horrible ending of her husband's life.  We all came away from last July with nightmares but hers and Mandy's are especially troubling.  They chose to be there to comfort Shane in his last hours even though the images they took from that time will haunt them forever.

I watch my little daughter focus on everyone else.  If she's not giving up her weekend to do a photo shoot to capture priceless memories for some young mother, she's organizing a baby shower or helping someone paint a room.

Mandy stayed up almost all night putting together the euligy and slide show that many of you saw at Shane's funeral.  Her focus wasn't on how hard this loss was for her, it was on helping a bunch of other people as they worked to cope.

Since that time my little daughter has spent hundreds of hours and probably thousands of dollars coming back to Colorado so she could be there to serve Cassandra and Devin.  Mandy disappeared into the shadows and my son's family was given focus.

Holding the bucket.

People we never met brought us meals every day.  It cost them time and money.

Brian Gilmore pulled an all-nighter rushing to the hospital to see Shane, drove home the same day (because he had to work) and then turned around and did it again to support us (the surviving family) at the funeral a couple of days later.  Lots of our friends from Allen made the trip.  Bruce and Debbie, David, Chris and her daughter Michelle.  It didn't stop there.  We had friends from Colorado, Wyoming, and other states too.  All these people stopped in the middle of their busy lives and made our comfort more important than theirs.

When Michelle and I got back to Cookson we were surrounded by the massive hug that results from a whole community comming together to support you.

I lost my son this year but I saw love.  I saw it in Shane's wife.  I saw it in my little daughter.  I saw it in my friends and neighbors and I saw love in my son as I've never seen it before.

I also saw God hold the bucket.  As dozens if not hundreds of people begged for a miracle that would buy Shane a few more years, God chose to answer with a "No" that would even make some of them question his love or motives.  He might have served himself better if he gave the prayer warriors some more of Shane's time, but God is good even when we don't get it. 

As Shane was showing love to his doctors, nurses, and family without regard for what would be best for Shane, God did what was best for Shane without regard for what might most increase God's wow factor and fan base.       

Here's The Thing

Today when I was reading Mandy's blog called Still Good I had these thoughts I have from time to time.

First, people give life too much credit.  It's miniscule.  It's puny.  It's insignificant.  If you believe what I believe then you believe in eternity.  If eternity is infinant time, then you need to ponder what percent 100 years or so is of infinity.  Miniscule.  Puny.  Insignificant.

People put all this effort into the wonders of living an extra 20 (or 50) years.  People describe the loss of a few decades with horror and dread.  From my new perspective the extra 50 years is like cutting your vacation short by heading for the airport 10 minutes earlier.  I've probably got less than 30 good years left and when it seems like too long, I just focus on the big picture and realize it's the length of a photographers flash.  For me it's a coping mechanism from time to time, but if you think your life is the most important thing, perhaps you should consider grabbing hold of something else.

The other thing that runs through my head is how everyone has it backwards.  I never prayed for Shane's recovery.  I always prayed for God's will.  In church today the preacher said when we pray we don't really wan't the answer to be "no" or "wait" we only want it to be "yes". 

Hind sight being 20-20 I would have traded the "yes" I got for either of those other two choices but that's only because I, like everyone else, have it backwards.

Did Shane lose his battle with cancer?  Is he worse off than people who "dodged the bullet" so to speak and spend the rest of their lives getting annual checkups with crossed fingers?  Seems like there is some deep philosophy in there somewhere but what I learned is that from the perspective of the big picture I am like life.

Miniscule.  Puny.  Insignificant.

I expect if I were more I would realize that the greatest will be the least, loosing is a win, and somehow many of us are being decieved. 

In all that I find another coping mechinism.  Backwards or forwards, when the dust settles the worst I can do is leave five or ten minutes early (or late) for the airport.  The vacation comes to an end anyway. 

20 Goals for 2014

I've never really been a "New Year's Resolution" kind of a guy.  The one time I DID have a resolution it was to never do a new year's resolution (and I've kept that one for decades).

I point this out because I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression.  This is not resolutions, oh no, far from it.  I'm not searching for some high in the sky summit.  I was just young and restless and bored, living by the sword.  So I'd steal away every chance I could to the back rooms, alleys, and trusty woods...

Oops.  Sorry, I got distracted.  Please disregard that last paragraph. 

As I was saying, this post isn't about new years resolutions, oh no, far from it.  It is just that I have a habit of setting goals for the next year during the final week of the previous year.

It may sound like resolutions but that isn't where it came from.  For the second half of my career I always got more vacation that I could take so it was a rare year indeed when I didn't have the last week of the year off.  Having time off gave me time to close the books on the previous year and start planing the new one.  It was driven by vacation.  It was not resolutions.

So...

Here are some of my goals for 2014.

1. Write more than one post per month - My actual goal was to average a post more often than one every two weeks.  I always enjoy writing but just don't make enough time for it.  This year I'm going to track my efforts in hopes that it will drive me to write more often.
    
2. Build storage in the sheds - I currently have more stuff than I have space for stuff.  One of my places for stuff is a storage shed that has no shelves so the stuff is all over the floor.  I want to build shelves so I can put the stuff in those big plastic tubs and put the tubs on the shelf.
   
   (For what it is worth and this isn't really connected to the goal in any way - the tubs of stuff will likely remain on the shelves, untouched, until I die.  Once that happens, Mandy will probably throw them away without opening them)
    
3. Exercise more than an hour more than three days a week - The exercise thing is weird.  I no longer have a boss telling me I need to work some extra hours today.  I always planned to exercise more once I reached this point in my life.  Well, that has not happened yet.  Minimum three days a week.  Minimum of one hour.  It shouldn't be hard.  My time is my own.
    
4. Ride my bike more than a thousand miles - That sound like a bunch when I write it down but if you spread it out over a year it is less than 3 miles a day.  Today is the 4th so I'm currently 12 miles behind!
    
5. Play over 500 holes of disc golf - Think about it, I could knock off this goal and number 3 above at the same time if I played long enough!
    
6. Have a minimum of one evening with the Barret family - You know the drill.  You have these friends you see once or twice a decade.  You always say "We should get together soon".  Everyone agrees but it never happens. 
    
7. Add on to #6: Time with Tuc Goodwin.
    
8. Add on to #6: Time with Jack Story.
    
9. Add on to #6: Time with Jerry Jackson.
    
10. Add on to #6: Go visit Bill Herman (given that I can never get him to come here it seems)
     
11. Float the river - This new place where Michelle and I work is right on the Arkansas river and there are float outfitters all up and down the river.  We need to check that out before the year ends.
     
12. Visit my friends in Seattle - Specifically Chris, Kim, and Dennis.  Every year for a while I've been telling myself I should go but I never seem to get to it.  This year it's a goal.
     
13. Take a vacation out of the country - This is actually a ringer because I've already booked a trip to Honduras and Belize in February.  I'm going to meet with a friend from H.S. swim team and do a little scuba diving.  We're also being joined by some Cookson friends from down the street.  Anybody else want to join us?
     
14. Start a periodic poker game - We used to play poker at least once a month.  Haven't done that for a while.  I miss it.  I want to fix it.
     
15. Play golf @ Flint Ridge - I had plans to do this with my son last 4th of July but he got a better offer and didn't show up.  Guess I'll put it on my 2014 list.
     
16. Denver Poker Game - Back in the day we used to have periodic poker evenings with the guys from work.  Greg Reiman and Ray Ciarvella were staples.  I want to say Scott Boettcher used to be there (but I'm not sure).  Anyway, one of my goals is to organize and travel up there for one of those.
     
17. Visit my brother Bill & my cousin Bruce - They live close to one another.  One in Tennessee and one in Georgia.  Seems like I could knock both of these off in a single trip.
     
18. Clean out Tia's room - Right now we have many much things from our 706 house in one room.  My goal is to clean that room out and make it into a place where we can sit and/or use the computer.
     
19. Deal with my motorcycles - Get them running and either sell them or start using them again.
     
20. Deal with my pickup - Get it out of the shop in Allen.  Either sell it or start working on it again in Oklahoma.
     
21. Build Newbie a Window Seat - The dog loves to look out the window and I currently have two TV trays beside my desk.  I have food cans, jars and boxes of the appropriate height on the trays and a section of my old deck on top of that.  Newbie has a bed on the desk section where he lays and looks out the window.  I need to build something permanent so I can get my Pace Picante sauce and Nestles Quick back.
     
22. Finish my book (and start looking for a publisher) - I've written most of a C# text book.  My book is being used by the High School where I teach.  I say "written most of" because as I teach I find I go back and rewrite parts to cover gaps created by how the students are learning the materials.  I would like to have a publishable version prior to the end of the year.
      
23. Build stairs to the shed - There is a shed in the yard beside the house.  The space between our house and the shed is terraced and I often ponder if I will lose my life taking the giant steps down the terrice.

So there you have it.  20 things I hope to accomplish this year.  I'll put posts out periodically giving status.  Feel free to humiliate and tease me if I drop too far behind in my quest to accomplish these goals.  That will be the accountability part.

Either You Believe it or You Don't

On Christmas eve last year a friend wrote a Facebook post about how wonderful 2013 was and how happy he was that his wife beat a case of blood based cancer.  I have spent a great deal of time since then thinking about something he included.  It said: 

We've also learned from friends who modeled how to handle a battle lost to cancer with faith, dignity, strength, and grace.

I don't know for sure that this part of his post was about us, but regardless, it spent a lot of time in my head.

I remember spending much of Christmas thinking I didn't want to be dignified or strong.  I wanted my kid back.  I wanted to watch him playing with his kid.  I wanted him to see Devin dumping all of the lego blocks on the floor with a thundering crash.  I wanted more of those awkward moments when my boy was talking way over my head about sports and I would try to participate in the conversation without sounding like a complete idiot.

For the record, I am so thrilled that my friend got to write his Facebook post telling how scary it was to consider the worst case scenario, and how wonderful it was to live out the best case scenario.  I was always thrilled about that, but now, in hind sight, I remember something I did when raising Shane and Mandy.

I used to travel a lot and sometimes I would see a gift that would give one of my kids a thrill.  I would buy the gift and bring it home knowing that Michelle would be uneasy with the fact that one kid was getting a gift and the other was not.  She was afraid it wasn't fair.

For my part, I would insist that my approach was right because I wanted the kids to learn to share the joy of others and I also wanted them to understand that nobody promised any of us "fair".

A year and a half ago the company I worked for put out an early retirement offering.  For decades prior to the offering I used to pontificate about my belief that there should be three phases in your life.  The first starts when you are born and is centered on serving yourself.  Phase one ends when you get married and choose to put your family out front.  Phase two is about serving your family and the ones you love.  I always said the third phase came when your children were grown and phase three was about serving those outside of your family circle.

My decision to leave my job of nearly 30 years was predicated on another thing I say quite often.  "Either you believe it or you don't".  If I really believed my theory about the three phases it was time for phase three.  If I didn't then it was just fine to stay in corporate America and continue to accumulate wealth.

I left.

So 2013 brought significant surprises, the greatest of which was two cases of cancer.  One was a winner and one was a loser and once again I'm faced with a case of "Either you believe it or you don't".

Do I really believe life isn't fair any you need to share the joy of the winners when you didn't get anything?

Oh, if it were only that simple.

Consider the "meat" of the sentence my friend wrote:

"how to handle a battle lost to cancer with faith, dignity, strength, and grace."

Again, I don't know it was about us, but if it was, some of it hit home, some of it was clearly a swing and a miss.

For example "dignity".  Maybe Michelle, but have you met me?  Dignity is not one of the things I exude.

Meanwhile, the faith part is easy. 

At one point during this wacky journey someone put their hand on my shoulder and said "It's OK to be angry with God over this".

I remember thinking that was one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.  Be angry with God?  {insert manic laughter here}

My faith has always made the concept of death little more than a curiosity (one that was too permanent to check out, but interesting none the less).  I've always said death wasn't a big deal.  It was just the last part of living.  Historically, when it was time for members of the Crawford family to die it was time to celebrate, not mourn. 

Although the timing of Shane's death was totally messed up, none of us has any doubt that what happened to him is more than worth the pain and suffering he went through the six weeks prior to his death. 

(And for those of you who like heavy thoughts in your head, my faith leaves me wondering who was the cancer winner and who was the cancer loser.  Is Shane better or worse off than our friend who beat the disease?)

Ok.  That covers faith and dignity.  Grace and strength are left.

Grace was hard.  When Shane's drama was going on I didn't pray for healing.  I simply prayed for God's will.  I also finished each prayer with a plea that if God's will was to take my little boy that he give me grace to handle it.  I knew I couldn't handle it on my own.

Finally we have strength.  Perhaps an illusion makes us look strong but if you could get on the inside you would clearly see that strength is a great facade.

You might look and think you see it, but none of us claim to be strong.  The illusion of strength is simply making a choice not to be what you really are, a jello emotional melt down right on the verge of happening.

For my part, the strength facade is rooted in a song called "Carry On" by a band named "Fun".  The song was played at Shane's funeral and I've never heard it all the way through without melting down.  Ths song, however, is about phase three.  It's about a hundred and forty kids who still need us.  It's about little Devin and the illusion of strength when it says:  

On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come, we will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on