Hoping for Terrible Things

My son, Shane, has two greyhounds.  The biggest is named Ajax and the smaller is Tiki.  Shane and Ajax have a special bond and one time while we were sitting in Shane's living room, Ajax walked up and plopped his head in Shane's lap.  Shane started petting the dog and said "It's going to be really hard for me when you die, boy".
The night before last I was sitting on the couch where Shane ususlly sits and Ajax walked up and put his head in my lap hoping to get petted. As I mindlessly scratched his ears I heard myself absently say "I sure hope your break my son's heart a few years down the road, boy"

Then I thought "Wow, what a terrible thing!"

Looking back on the past couple of years, I realize I've spent a lot of time hoping for some terrible things.  Some of the more recent include:

• For the last 4 or 5 months I've been hoping my wife has an advanced case of Sarcoidosis that has spread to all over her and is causing painful leisions on her organs and bones.
• A month ago I was hoping my son had a life threatening liver infection. 
• Today I'm hoping Shane's pain continues and he will continue life with the hassle of a colostomy bag.

Thinking about it, I realize that we've been in survival mode for a few years now and survival mode is often, maybe always, about getting something terrible or getting something that is much worse.  Given that choice you find yourself hoping for terrible.

In February Michelle was diagnosed with metastatic cancer.  Scans showed it was all over her bones, liver, galbladder, lungs and lymph system.  Once the diagnosis was made she started seeing an oncologist who told us it was either stage four cancer or advanced sarcoidosis.  We found our self hoping for sarcoidosis.

While Shane was in Brazil he got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  When he came back to the states the doctors here thought it might be a nasty liver infection.  The liver infection was dangerous but treatable so obviously we wanted it.

It's choices like that.  If Shane is around to share the pain of Ajax dying a number of years from now it means, well,  Shane is around a number of years from now. 

It means this nightmare he's currently living will shrink back into remission then pop back out with an offer of new and different terrible things somewhere down the road.

It means our lives will be filled with many more future opportunities to hope for something terrible because the alternative is worse.  It means more "get here right away" calls and more all night drives wondering if we will arrive in time.  It means more pain, more tears, more struggling to "keep it together".  If offers a future filled with terrible things.

We're hoping for more terrible things.