I've Called to Make You Uncomfortable

Bows and flows of angel hair, ice cream castles in the air
feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun.  They rain, they snow on everyone.  So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow, it's clouds illusions I recall.  I really don't know clouds at all.

When Joni Mitchel wrote that song she spoke to my sole (and apparently made me cry today).  There are these things in life that have two distinct perspectives and after I put all my mental energy into understanding, I realize I got nothing. 

When I had my episode with the pulmonary embolism there was about 48 hours when it was more likely that I would die than live.  They actually kicked someone out of the ICU so they could give me the bed and Michelle asked me if we should tell people what was going on.

Beyond calling Shane and Mandy and saying "Hey, your dad is in the hospital and you can come visit if you want to" I decided not to tell folks what was happening during those first two days.

My reasoning was it would only upset people unnecessarily if they thought I was going to die and then I lived.  If I died then Michelle could just tell them a couple days later and blame me (and at that point, being dead, I would have the ultimate trump card so nobody could be angry with me).

It worked out pretty well.

Then back in February of this year when Michelle got diagnosed with cancer we used the same strategy and didn't tell a bunch of people.  My reasoning was we didn't have the full story and knew we couldn't answer all the questions.  The news offered nothing good to anybody and it was pretty hard when we got it.

As it played out, someone we did tell told someone else who was very close to us.  When the person we didn't tell discovered our little cover-up they were very hurt and upset.

So I've thought about the whole tell / don't tell thing and I find no easy answer.  If I do tell you I feel like the conversations are best summed up like this:

• Ring, Ring, Click ... "Hello?"
  
  "Hey, person I love a bunch!  I just wanted to call and give you some
  news that you don't want to hear and is sure to make you miserable.  Better yet, I'm going to put you into a situation where you are powerless to do anything, will have no idea what to say, and you will feel really awkward if you keep silent"
  
  "Well gee, thanks for calling with the tragic news!  Given that I can't really offer any solutions, how about I ask you a bunch of detailed questions that are sure to drag you back through this thing?  Not only will it remind you how completely helpless we both are, but it will help keep the details fresh in your mind so you can use them to head-trip back into the worst case scenario that tortures you over and over each day!"
  
  "Well thanks for calling and putting us both in this quagmire of helplessness."
  
  "Any time buddy.  You know I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you"

I had a good friend (who happened to work for me) back when I was a young manager in Denver over two decades ago.  His wife was diagnosed with stave 4 cancer and given less than two months to live.  After the appropriate period of awkwardness and a couple of years (his wife is still alive today - doctors aren't always right) I had a heart-to-heart with this guy and asked him what the best thing to do when approaching someone who is going through situations like this.

He told me the most important thing is not to ignore it or avoid him.  "It's bad enough that my wife is dying, but suddenly I'm damaged goods and people cross the street so they won't have to come face to face with me.  That just makes it worse."

Next, he said, ask about her.  Just ask "How's Michelle doing".  That's all.  Don't probe for detail because if I feel a need to dump detail you provided the opportunity with the three word question and I know I'm free to dump.  If, on the other hand, it's too hard to talk about right then I might give a non answer.  Something like "Fine" or "She's Michelle".  When that happens, know that I appreciate you asking but I really don't want to talk, or more importantly THINK about what is actually going on.  (by now you probably get that I substituted my wife's name to leave hers out of the post). 

Most of you know that I'm someone who loves to hear himself talk (to the detriment of many) but these last weeks I'm pushed the "ignore" button many times when the phone rang.  I've ignored people reaching out to me in text messages and in social media.  When that happens, it isn't that I don't love you or care about your offers to help or pray - it's just that I can't handle it right now.

I tell my friends and break their hearts.  This talk is doomed right from the start.
The truth can tear us both apart.  My sharing brings us down.

But silence makes you feel outside.  You're hurt if I should run and hide.
You want to stand there by my side.  Yet I have left you out.

I see this news from both sides now.  Shut up or share and still some how
This news will hurt us either way.  I'm clueless which news I should say.