The last post, "Playing Where's Waldo with God" wasn't just philosophy, it was my heart felt reaction to challenges we faced as a family. Starting in February when I wrote the post, we didn't have an answer, and today Waldo is still out there in the noise.
The middle of last week Shane (who was working in Brazil) had some health issues and flew home early. Sunday after church we got word that my little boy lies in a hospital bed with colon cancer that has metastasized and spread. Along with the tumors in his colon, he also has tumors all over his liver and cancer surging to every corner of his body through his blood. Michelle and I helplessly watch as doctors work swiftly in an attempt to prolong his life. I'm completely powerless to do a single thing about it, and for my part I'm not praying for a cure.
During our first few years of marriage Michelle got pregnant twice and both babies died. Shane was our third pregnancy, but before Shane there were the years of "trying" without success.
At that time I was a young deacon in the church in Casper Wyoming. I prayed desperately during those years telling God what good parents we would be, and how we would do everything to raise a fine Christian example in a child if God would just hear and respond to our pleading for a baby.
We got nothing but silence from God.
As we tried to fill the hole in our hearts left by the children we lost, we turned to the medical community and went through all the humiliation testing. The doctors tried to determine why Michelle wasn't getting pregnant and I continued my fruitless attempts to get God to hear as I begged for a child.
Still, God was silent.
It seemed as if he didn't care, or wasn't listening.
As the years went by and the situation got more hopeless and desperate, the day came when my prayer changed. Instead of telling God what I needed, what I wanted, I closed my eyes and told God how I was tired of the situation that I obviously couldn't handle myself. My prayer changed and rather than telling the Lord what I wanted, I begged him to tell me what HE wanted.
The next day the doctors called and asked Michelle and I to meet with them. During the meeting they told us that we would never have children.
I hit my knees that night and said "Fine God, I got it and I'm ok with that answer, but I still have this hole from the babies we lost. Please tell me how to fill it. Should I get more involved with the youth at the church? Should we adopt? Can you make this desperation go away? Lead me, Lord, show me the way to find peace".
The following Wednesday we found out Michelle was pregnant with Shane.
The lesson was two fold. First, and most importantly, he is God. He doesn't need me to tell him what I need, what I want, or how to run things.
Second, from the perspective of the big picture, I'm pretty much clueless about what is best for me. If you had asked me if losing those first two children was a good thing at the time, there is no way I would have gotten the correct answer. Sitting here 30 years later, I realize it was one of the best things in my life up to that point. My kids are so much more valuable to me than they would have been otherwise and my personal growth through those hard times helped form who I am now.
God might know that it's time to take Shane back or he may understand a different outcome. Even though the Waldo is completely lost in the noise for me right now, I have a clear understanding of who I am, who God is, and faith that God's grace is going to be sufficient should it turn out that I need it.
So I'm not asking God to cure my son's cancer.
It's not that I don't pray. In situations like this, prayer is all I have, but my prayer doesn't offer up what I want. Matthew 6 tells me he already knows that and it tells me I need to ask for God's will to be done.
My prayer is that God will exercise his will in this situation and if that happens to be different than what I'm hoping for I ask that he gives me the extra grace I need to get through it.
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9 comments:
YEP
Wow! Amazing perspective! So glad our paths have crossed and we can encourage each other and pray for each other (and our families). Too bad we have cancer in common, but God is God... God is good... and God is faithful.
Very well said. I've learned that lesson and approached God many times asking for help through difficult situations focused on a desire to understand and accept His will. Thanks Jim. Praying with you.
Wow! That is powerful stuff! Having been thru a similar situation I can relate and have also felt that "let God's will be done" moment. Since I heard about Shane I have been praying for God's will to be done an for your family to have the strength to endure whatever that may be. It will continue to be my prayer. My heart is breaking for your family. Know that you are all in my prayers everyday! Chris Gotway
I'm moved by your post Jim. I lost my brother to melanoma about 5 years ago. It was a difficult journey and there was the 'where's Waldo' temptation on every page. I felt many of the things that you're saying, I just wasn't articulate enough to say them myself.
Having argued with God about His decisions concerning my loved ones and doing so loudly and harshly I do understand obeying. It's that still small voice that comes from your heart that tells you "I'm in control my child. I know what is best for all of you. Be still and know." I continue to pray for Shane, for you and the sweet Michelle BUT I know who will give the comfort. Blessings and grace - Crawfords.
Well said Jim, well said. Prayers continue for the Crawfords. Your posts not only are a form of comfort for you but for others as well. God is continuing to work through you on so many levels. I say thank you for your posts and helping so many others. Love you guys. Missing my sweet Michelle.
Jim & Michelle, Thank you for living your faith in front of me. My heart hurts for you both. Our family is praying for all of yours. We love you. Big, big hug from all of us, Russ, Vic, A, a and especially M. :)
This is beautiful. I understand it and have been (and still am) in a similar position. Praying for you and your family as you all face this hard situation.
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